So I suppose some of this expands on what I said yesterday, but today’s question, is if one doesn’t really have a life outside of music, then where do they get that passion and emotion they put into their playing? I guess you can see why this would be a concern to me… Anyway, this question came up when I was talking to one of the kids on my bus, he’s also a musician, by the way. He was making fun of me for having no life outside of music (the hypocrite, he spends all his time practicing, doing homework, or playing video games) and just, ya-know, the usual stuff. But still, he got me thinking. It’s definitely true that when I have things going on and a lot of drama and emotion outside of music, my playing is more heartfelt and expressive. However, my love for just, flute itself and music is so great, that passion alone can fuel my playing. I don’t have to think about some tragic break-up or new found love to play with emotion (which I can only be thankful for, my love life is pitiful). My passion comes from within my music and playing; an outer force or emotion isn’t necessary.

Yea, well I can’t practice flute outside without the neighbors getting mad, so why would I go out there? I just hate it when people (my parents) don’t understand that I simply cannot ignore my practice schedule to go to some irrelevant museum with them, or to the park. I mean this whole “family time” thing is nice and all, but doesn’t come before my practices (nothing does). So today I only got, like, 2 hours of practice before the siblings went to bed, even though it’s a weekend. Basically we had church, then we went to a museum, then got food. Sure, sounds like a great day with the family, but guess what I was thinking the whole time? I was thinking “ugh, this is such a waste of time; I could be home practicing right now.” All I want in a day is a chance to practice; a good long one too. I often wish I could just push away everything else in my life (boyfriend, homework, family, friends). But the days when my tone is best, playing most expressive, and jazz licks best sounding, occur after doing something with loved ones, or at least getting a good (or bad for that matter) grade on a test. All those other things in my life help fuel my playing. At the end of the day, I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life, even if sometimes I just want to play flute

So in band class today, some saxophone players were wondering if flutes would be allowed in the jazz class that’s starting up next year. I guess they didn’t know I was listening because practically everyone in band knows how passionate I am about jazz flute, and how I will practically murder anyone who crosses me when it comes to it. Well, imagine how I felt when I heard one of them say “I mean, flute isn’t really a jazz instrument”. Yeah, I wasn’t happy. I turned towards them and was all like “What did you say?” In this incredibly defensive voice (of course). Yup, those sax players knew that doom was coming, but it was too late for them. I slowly and dramatically raised my flute to my mouth, and started playing careless whispers. On flute! Imaging that. It was tottaly effective too, those saxophone players covered their ears and begged me to stop. Then they started going on about how that song was only for saxophone players, like their entire existence was threatened by any other instrument playing it. So that was deffinetly effective. Oh saxophone players!

I tend to be a fairly competitive person, Which is good in that it motivates me. In my band class, I’m second flute. Now since I just got moved up from intermediate band to advanced band, it kinda makes sense. This boy has been playing two full years longer than me and has been in advanced band a lot longer too, he’s also close to the band teacher, as he attended the school our band director taught before he came here. That’s what I tell myself, at least. But now, whenever I see the words “2nd flute” printed in that neat little script at the top of my music, it feels like failure. It feels as if even my music is telling me “second best” or “ha ha, you suck”. Even worse, we have to sit next to each other every single band class. Just imagine that, sitting next to your arch nemesis every day. My mom often reminds me “you know, you two are in the same boat; don’t you want the flute section to sound good?” as a recount all the minor mistakes and faults in his flute playing somewhat victoriously. And I answer “well, yea, but I want to be first chair of that good sounding flute section”. At the end of the day, however, does it really matter? This kid doesn’t want to go pro or anything, and probably doesn’t practice as much either. I’m headed beond this small-ish school anyway, and although band provides a nice social life, my main focus right now should be getting into programs over the summer, or making it into performing arts schools, not being first flute in a 19 person wind band.

Yea, its difficult. Especially when I am at home practicing for 3 plus hours a day while my classmates all go socialize, work out, or spend endless hours online. Or when I can’t think of any non-music thing to talk about. Like the time I walked into Italian after band class, turned to the person next to me, and started telling her all about the epic key change we’d played. It took me a few minuets to realize she had no clue what I was talking about. I’m on a different tier then them, not supirior or anything, just different. K fine, that was just a nice way of saying that I’m weird. But I really don’t belong in a school like this, full of ordinary and non-musical kids. So whenever I have to bottle up my weird girl self to seem normal, or when I just be that weird girl, I remember that this won’t last forever, and maybe my next school will be a preforming arts school, full of kids like me.

Wow, I have heard that many times. My family, friends, and boyfriend are always telling me, “well, it’s great that you love flute and all; it makes for a great hobby, but not really a job,” and then they go on to talk about how I could join community orchestras and stuff. And its true, music makes for a great hobby. Probably the best hobby out there, but the people who tell me that fail to understand the true amount of passion I have for flute. They don’t know how my idea of a good, satisfactory day includes 4 hours of practice. They’ve never had to tell themselves “only 3 more hours till I can play flute and all my problems will be solved. Their lip has never twitched with desire to play. I’ve sort of realized that flute can’t be beat; nothing makes me happier, and I’ve never been more motivated and serious about anything in my life. Playing flute seems meaningful to me and I feel like it’s my calling. So say I became an investment banker; lots of money and society’s idea of success. Well, then I’d spend every hour of work wishing I was home with the flute, I wouldn’t be able to talk about anything but music, and I’d spend most of my time unhappy. This is how school is for me in general. So I want to dive into the world of flute playing and musicians, playing as a hobby is not enough for me. I want to study flute for collage, I want all my friends to be musicians, and my whole life to be comprised of music. Music means more to me than just some hobby on the side.

Sure, mabey I’m just some dreamer who can’t spell and has been playing flute for only two years. But there’s nothing else I feel happier doing. So I’ve given up on spelling; you can probably tell. Guess all the errors will have to add to the mood or tone of the passage? idk. Anyhow, I’ve started applying to stuff; The Duke Ellington School For The Arts, Interloghen and Cataqua summer music program. All to advanced, ambitious, and teacher’s-jaw-drop-when-she-sees-audition-material-I-have-to-play ish for me, but if I apply every year for lots of things, I’ll get into some right? and build up a resume here. I do actually have a plan for my ultimate dream of becoming a… well, broke musician. For now, though, it’s time to get serious. A new practice plan of 3 hours per school day and five on weekends (K, usually I only stick in for about 4 of those 5 weekend hours) but either way, this is my dream, and it gets my all. Anyway, I need all the help I can get. Anyone in my boat who has some advice? Or perhaps a conservatory grad? Please feel free to comment on any of my posts. If you actualy read the blog of some 14 year-old geeky girl that is!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton